It's cyclical - it's month after month after month of the same routine, the same highs and lows and doubts, and it is always a peak followed by a trough. You have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst; getting appointments for treatments or seeing doctors and specialists sometimes means weeks of waiting, so you have to assume that something might not work so you will need that appointment in three months time, so you need to start organising now.
Some months are better; I know deep inside that it hasn't happened, which lessens the blow somewhat. The worst are the months when you are hopeful, when you think (or know) that it will be successful. Those are the worst.
Day 1 - first day of cycle
Your heart breaks. When it arrives, every month, it's like a death. It's a death of those thoughts "in a year's time, I could have a 3 month old!" "we could be parents!", day-dreaming about taking our child to the park, bringing our child home from the hospital, kissing their head, their fingers curled around mine, watching them sleep. All of those thoughts, hopes, they're gone. Dashed. In the cold light, they look awfully childish and stupid. You're battling physical pain, inconvenience. If you're receiving treatment, Day 1 is also Action Day, booking appointments stocking up again on ovulation kits and vitamins and booking more appointments and trying to guess at when things might happen, all the while trying very hard not to cry in public or during inopportune moments. Sometimes, you think "fuck it, I can have a drink as I'm definitely not pregnant", so you have a glass of wine but as this is a once a month event, it hits you hard and fast. The hangover starts before you've even finished the glass.
Days 2 to 10
You're getting more used to the heart break. The thoughts are dismissed, you have to focus on the new month ahead. Things are booked. Things are ready. You're focused and you're concentrated on the weeks ahead, and doing every possible thing you can for this time to be successful, to exert some control over something uncontrollable. You're feeling so much better than Day 1, much more positive. You've moved on (again). You're invincible.
But then, sometimes Day 3 or 4 it hits again. The sense of loss, the absence. You realise again what you don't have, and you realise that once again you're going through all of this, that this is real, it hasn't happened again, you've failed another time.
In the more than 2 years of trying, I only recall one moment when I briefly forgot (it was just as I was waking up) what was going on. It was a blissful moment, when I thought "imagine if I was struggling to fall pregnant?", but then it hit me that I didn't have to imagine it; I was going through it. I felt the realisation descend and take over again.
Days 10 to 17
It's getting close to the time when you may (or may not) ovulate. You're watching all the signs, arranging your schedule so that everything can be timed perfectly. You try to keep things exciting; the worst is for everything to feel mechanical and forced, but sometimes you can't help it. You try to stay relaxed - that's key isn't it? But then the clinic is running late, or you need to get more medication which means waiting for ages at the pharmacy, or something goes wrong - too few follicles, too many, the lining isn't thickening as it should. One month I had a whole morning of peeing on a stick disasters - the test broke, I tried another one, that one wasn't working either, I bought more, ran out of pee and had to spend a whole morning at work alternating between drinking a lot of water and sneaking ovulation tests in the bathroom. I nearly laughed at how farcical it was.
The Two Week Wait - Part 1
For me, this is divided into two sections. The first is when I know that there is absolutely no way (though it's taken me months of googling to figure this out) that I can feel pregnant within this time - the time between ovulation was likely to have happened (if it did) and the time when the egg could implant. This is the one time of the month when I have any kind of mental peace. I have no idea of knowing, and it's the time I now look forward to the most. I know I've done all that I can, so I have to just let it go.
The Two Week Wait - Part 2
This is when it gets rough, when your hope and anxiety may both be at their highest. Any twinge which could indicate PMS sends you into a panic. You agonise of whether or not to test, and when. If the result is negative, you consider all the options - is the test broken, was it not a good sample, is it too early? But as soon as you know it didn't happen, you have to pull yourself up and start all over.
